It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Finals week is always stressful for me. I'm always in the room studying my ass off and drinking liquor to keep me up especially if i have papers to write. And just as i was writing my paper last night i received a call from my sister asking me to call my other sister and put her on three-way. After calling twice and getting the voicemail i clicked over and told her she wasn't answering and then in the background i heard my other sister say "he was just fine" and so i asked my older sister "Nena whats wrong?" and she asked if i was done with my finals and i told her no, i had one that day, one Wednesday and one Thursday. then she asked if i was in the room with someone and i told her yes, why did she want me to walk outside and she said no i think you should be with someone right now and before she could say anything else i9 knew what happened.... so before i could speak words the tears came pouring and there i sat in the middle of the bed against the wall next to him crying my heart out because i was just told the main man in my life, my twin, my father .... had passed not even an hour ago. no one could tell me anything, no one could touch me and try to comfort me and tell me that it would be okay because no matter what anyone said it didn't matter. he wasn't here any6more, i could never see his face again, i could never hear his laugh again, or see his smile, i could never get a hance to hug him and tell him how much i love him. he Will never get to see me turn 21, he['ll never see me wal across the stage and become a college graduate, he'll never get to see my children .... he wont get to do any of those things... so i will never be okay .... everyone keeps saying calm down, be string, keep your head up... but ask your self if it was you in my shoes would you be able to do all the things your telling me to do? because i know i can't... i tried and each time i stop crying five minutes later im back in tears ... only GOD knows the pai9n im in, te pain i feel, how much i want to just go crawl up and hide somewhere. i want to be alone but no one will let me be ... they feel they have to e by my side but the only person i want by my side is my father and he cant be here so i don't want anybody. i didn't wanna speak to anybody after hearing the news except for my grandmother and my brother and when i finally got a chance to speak to him i was okay for awhile but then i had to say his name ... "Gary" ... and then i broke again... i don't think I'll ever be able to say his name again without crying because each time i say his name I'm reminded of my father . but it will hurt even more when i have to look in the mirror and see him because am a spitting image of him. i don't want to be depressed but i know how i cope and i know what I'm capable of ... and this loss I'm just not strong enough for... I'm not .... i miss my father so much! .... i do ...