Quotes

. moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult
. time will make you forget me , but time will make me love you more than before

revisions of the past [Part Duece]

Now you don't feel the same anymore, i remember you would shiver every time i said your name. You said nothing felt as good as when you would look into my eyes, now you don't care that I'm alive and we let the fire die...

revisions of the past

time after time i find myself looking for an escape, a path away from the storm, a stream to flow me along... a sign that was seems like a disaster is much more of a positive experience than the mind thinks...

Daddy,

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Finals week is always stressful for me. I'm always in the room studying my ass off and drinking liquor to keep me up especially if i have papers to write. And just as i was writing my paper last night i received a call from my sister asking me to call my other sister and put her on three-way. After calling twice and getting the voicemail i clicked over and told her she wasn't answering and then in the background i heard my other sister say "he was just fine" and so i asked my older sister "Nena whats wrong?" and she asked if i was done with my finals and i told her no, i had one that day, one Wednesday and one Thursday. then she asked if i was in the room with someone and i told her yes, why did she want me to walk outside and she said no i think you should be with someone right now and before she could say anything else i9 knew what happened.... so before i could speak words the tears came pouring and there i sat in the middle of the bed against the wall next to him crying my heart out because i was just told the main man in my life, my twin, my father .... had passed not even an hour ago. no one could tell me anything, no one could touch me and try to comfort me and tell me that it would be okay because no matter what anyone said it didn't matter. he wasn't here any6more, i could never see his face again, i could never hear his laugh again, or see his smile, i could never get a hance to hug him and tell him how much i love him. he Will never get to see me turn 21, he['ll never see me wal across the stage and become a college graduate, he'll never get to see my children .... he wont get to do any of those things... so i will never be okay .... everyone keeps saying calm down, be string, keep your head up... but ask your self if it was you in my shoes would you be able to do all the things your telling me to do? because i know i can't... i tried and each time i stop crying five minutes later im back in tears ... only GOD knows the pai9n im in, te pain i feel, how much i want to just go crawl up and hide somewhere. i want to be alone but no one will let me be ... they feel they have to e by my side but the only person i want by my side is my father and he cant be here so i don't want anybody. i didn't wanna speak to anybody after hearing the news except for my grandmother and my brother and when i finally got a chance to speak to him i was okay for awhile but then i had to say his name ... "Gary" ... and then i broke again... i don't think I'll ever be able to say his name again without crying because each time i say his name I'm reminded of my father . but it will hurt even more when i have to look in the mirror and see him because am a spitting image of him. i don't want to be depressed but i know how i cope and i know what I'm capable of ... and this loss I'm just not strong enough for... I'm not .... i miss my father so much! .... i do ...

Happiness..

Many ask .. what is it? How can i find it? What does it take to achieve it?

Happiness ...

I say its what ever you want it to be , but it begins with you, with self ... the best love is self love when your capable of loving yourself then you'll be capable of loving someone else as well as being able to handle them loving you . Happiness for me is waking up with a smile on my face , even with worries at my door step and pain in my body .. knowing that i have something greater than the next person so my problems become least of a worry than need be. Happiness is lifting up someone else without intentionally doing so .. being a shoulder to a broken soul, and ear to a weeping mouth and a mouth for a silent body ... its making it one step closer with eyes full of tears and a heart full of pain ... its seeing the smile on her beautiful little face and he telling you she loves you ..seeing him run to you with excitement and him planting a kiss on your cheek ... its having them tell you there so proud of you ... its waking for another day

i wondered... if she ever noticed the pain she inflicted on others as she complained and wepped about that to which she was enduring . if at any moment her wrong doing came to light.. in her eyes ... and she realized ... "she" consisted of "he"

Strength ..

This is for the woman who doesn't understand her worth

Struggles with self acceptance and disapproval's from others

screams at the top of her lungs but none bothers...

to answer her, let alone ask her whats wrong

they don't know her story, they fail to listen to her song

the one her hearts sings as it continues to slowly dispose



This is for the woman who doesn't know her own strength

insomnia her best friend as she struggles to fall asleep, through tears and pain

takes the punches, the kicks .. waits for the sunshine but all she gets is rain





I tried to write a poem for a woman who fails to see the greatness in her existence while others repeatedly stomp on her best qualities. Instilling in her failure and a broken mirror, where her image remains distorted. I tried to write a poem for a women who fails to realize her existence, who allows others to define what happiness is for her, who allow men to define whats good in her and whats bad to fit their expectations, a woman who can't enjoy a simple day without the hassle and drama , cries herself to sleep many nights hoping that the next one will be better only to wake to the same bullshit time after time. i tried to write a poem for a woman who fails to realize that GOD is the only one who can judge her. i tried to write a poem for a woman who lost all her hope yet has the greatest faith of all , only not in herself but in GOD. fails to see the reality and entraps herself in fantasies. i tried to write a poem for a boy, a boy who fell in love deep and couldn't get out. gave and gave and gave and yet nothing came back. i tried to write a poem for a man who got a second chance at love but let it go because he was to scared it could be real. feared the thought of actually having a woman who loved him for him, who would listen to his every need and do things just because, he didn't have to ask. i tried to write a poem for a woman who has the strength for everyone she loves but cant find it in herself. can give the best advice to help everyone but fails to help herself. i tried to write a poem for a woman who lost everything. i tried ... i tried to write .. i tried to write a poem for a woman who put all her faith in a relationship she believed would never come , a love she thought would never happen. i tried to write a poem for a woman who's been a victim all her life. i tried to write a poem for a woman who no one understands and never will .. to know her is to know her struggle, her life, her past .. too delicate a subject , to harsh a reality she can't tell it , too ignorant they won't ask . i tried to write a poem about a woman ..

i tried... i tried to write a poem .. i tried to write a poem about a woman ..

i tried.. i tried to write ..

tell me, did i succeed?

taking a recap , back

we used to have that connection, that bond
where i was thinking of you , and you thinking of me
seconds later we'd receive a text from the other ..

sitting here i wonder if you can hear me , see me , feel me
i wonder if you ever miss waking up next to me or falling asleep with me in your arms
miss playing "how much do you know" and we being able to answer every question correctly ..
if we play now will you still get every one right ?

i wonder if you miss the study sessions in the study lounge, laundry in the laundry room
taking a ride to Price Chopper at 3 in the morning cause i had a craving for cake and ice cream
wonder if I'm still the princess in your fairytale dream ...
or the beautiful nightmare you wake up from

memories, memories, memories .. that's all that remains
no more "just because" text messages about how much you appreciate me
no more home made cards , because Hallmark couldn't explain the way you felt
they didn't see or understand the hands we were dealt

trips to the job with lunch because i was hungry and you couldn't let that be
Friday nights in watching movies instead of partying
wonder if you still remember everything ... you said you'd never forget
US ..

i wonder

moving forward; Enrty Num 3.

As the weekend came to an end i wondered if I made the right choice in just letting it all go and not looking back. It isn't the easiest thing in the world to do but if i don't do it I'll never get past anything, I'll never experience the joys of the world. Remaining in a relationship by myself or making myself believe that there is one when the other is evidently past it and moved on just seems hopeless and ridiculous. That night I was mad, mad at him and mainly mad at her... i felt disrespected and I just couldn't allow myself to take that situation in calm.. i had to take it storm. But i commend myself on not going up to him and giving him the third degree about who, what , when, where and why. I confided in my friends. Yes that night I wanted to cry but every emotion in my body told me it was for all the wrong reasons and so the next night i smiled, i laughed and had fun the whole night through. I said my hellos to him and asked why out of all the girls in the room hadn't i gotten the chance to dance, but after getting the shrug and close to nothing of an explanation I simply walked away with a smile on my face and closure in my mind. Never thought the day would come when I'd let it go. I've said it all too many times, but her anger and disgust was all it took for me to see that my smile was worth more than the frown he placed. Today I live proof of getting past the past and moving forward. You may think this is just another talk without the walk but its more than that ... trust you'll see

been gone for a minute, but im back; Entry Num. 1

As i sat in class yesterday i began to zone out with a pen in my hand and with that pen i began to write and as i wrote ideas began to spring and as that happened rhymes began to come to mind and eventually i had started a poem! It might not seem as much excitement to you all but to me its hell of excitement because for some reason i wasn't able to get past one line five months ago. I was used to writing about the bad that happened to me in life and mainly in my relationships but with the last, there was really no bad. We ended and i wanted to write about how i felt while it was happening, how hurt i was, how happy i was [crazy as it seems] but i just couldn't . Call it writers block or whatever you want , i just couldn't. I thought I had lost the one thing i could call mine... my ability to write, to express, to create, to invent, to let out the cries and pleas ... give voice to the silent, ignored feelings. It felt so good, that after i finished half or at least one quarter of the unknown poem i didn't want to stop writing. It didn't matter what i wrote, i just wrote . Names, quotes, sayings, you name it i was writing it. I'm sure by now you want a glimpse of what the hell i came up with , and not to put myself down or anything or the subject of my creativity, but its not my best and quite frankly my best is yet to come so in the mean time enjoy the unexpected, undescribeable rant [i guess you can call it that] . Well, here it goes:

she was never one to give up, never one to settle
but with him it was war, no longer a battle
strength had come and just like faith it had gone
held onto what and where she felt she belonged
til reality, til that sweet dream woke up
resulting in the most ugliest, deepest self-destruct
blaming ones self for the ending of that forever road
mentally abusing, verbally choosing to physically dispose

There it is ... so far that's what my pen allowed my to produce and I'm sure at this time in life, this time around I'll have much more. I can say though most of this is due to a special someone who touched my life in a way no one has, and I'm forever thankful for it.

Alot of times i hear people say that their better off without the people who they call their past, and yes my view might be different but its far from stupid in being that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. With me i see them as the extra help i needed. Without my past i wouldn't be this strong individual that i am today. There were some who didn't deserve me, some who did deserve me but used me for all the wrong reasons .. but despite it all i learned a lesson. I'm a better person today than i was yesterday.

P.S
Stop blaming others for the things that go wrong in your life and for once accept the blame. We're human, we make mistakes, no ones perfect.