Take Back The Night

Last night was a just another step to this everlasting staircase of 'letting go'. It took alot of courage for me to speak. I remember it like yesterday, the day i told my family about my abusive relationship, and how I, had experienced domestic violence. a girl who always hit her boyfriends, the girl who wore the pants in her relationship, the meanest sister an only boy could have; the strength of my family. I felt stupid, i felt weak, but most of all i felt ashamed. ashamed for allowing everything that i was taught, everything lesson i had learned from watching loved ones and friends experience, happen to me. Too nice, too in love , thinking that it couldn't be happening to me, that he was only getting back to me for the pain i caused him and in every aspect i deserved it. i had to endure the consequence of my action... i went through depression, anxiety, withdrawal, periods of anorexia. but then my best friend, my lover, my everything made me realize that i did nothing wrong, and i was better than what i perceived myself to be. Giving me the best comfort, advice, pushing me to do more, better in my school work as well as with my other relationships as far as family and friends. But before that ,for months i cried in my sleep, fought in my sleep ... and he held me, soothed me til i was still. And yet none of that had mattered because i was still mad, angry, frustrated, ... torn. I took all my anger that should have been used on my ex on him, until one night he held me through clinched fists by my arm, against the door and pleadingly said "Yo... G, i love.. i love you alot and i want this to work as bad as you do. But you gotta stop hitting me. I will never hurt you, i will never put my hands on you. I know how much that nigga hurt you and i would never do you like that. you gotta trust me yo, that's the only way... ima show you til you believe me" ... it was at that point where i began to see everything so clear. Weeks later i was given the opportunity to recite the poem i made as a result of the experience and it lifted me ... but there was still more in me, i had just managed to control the emotions and the thoughts, the dreams... or so i thought. Another program came except this time , idk why , but for some reason i felt the need to speak... and so i did, i told my story, the real story ... a story i haven't even told my best friend, in front of people i barely knew.

Last night it seemed to be different. Take Back The Night, was my night. my night to not allow the pain and resentment that I've dealt myself for all these years continue to tear me inside. every chant i yelled was a silent cry , a plea for him to hear me. of course he was nowhere near where i was but that didn't matter. for once i wasn't alone, i was around people who had endured the same pain if not more than i had. i know there were more women out there than the ones who got on stage, but i pray that they gain the strength to rise soon. i wasn't gonna rise, i felt i had let everything go as i yelled to the top of my lungs, as i sang my heart out to the words of those chants.. little did i know, i hadn't. she got on stage and she told her story, she described the pain of having a secret noone knew, and how much it hurt to keep it in but that night, last night would be her last day. i tried to hold it in like i do almost every emotion, but i just couldn't ... i felt her pain more than she did. i wanted to hold her, tell her i know, I've been there, its over now ... but i couldn't. its not over , its never over. once your marked, your marked for life.. its just a matter of letting the wound heal. after uncontrollable trembling i rose to take a stand and tell more of my story. Domestic Violence was just a chapter, Rape was another ... and now it was time to reveal that chapter.. take a stand against it and attempt to heal what i tried as hard as my might to ignore. my friend, my supporter, who held me through it all, stood with me through it all, talked with me through it all, sang with me through it all, marched with me through it all .... pleaded with me to go an let it go. i wanted to protest against her but i saw a look in her eyes that i had never seen before, almost as if me going up there wasn't just for me , but for her as well. she had a story to tell but just couldn't gain as much strength as me, and because i had overcome this before, she tempted me to do it again ... maybe in hopes that next time it'd be her. so i went. i got up there and read chapter one "Let Go" .. through tears and short breaths .. then i read chapter 2 "What if I Told You" .. she said you took a big step, you should feel good. but i didn't , not as much as i should have. i didn't feel that big weight lifted off just a mere pound or so ... i still trembled in my chair as the other girls got on stage and told there stories, i continued to cry and even after it all i cried some more. i believe now, that the reason was more so because i should have told everything but didn't, i did what i always do ... speak in codes; i wrote a poem. i used big words to hide the little ones with such detail and meaning ... i cheated myself .. i cheated them. but they still loved me, they told me thank you , and i applaud you .... i love you.

That night, last night .. he was supposed to be there for me, he was supposed to hold my hand ... he wasn't, he didn't ; but he called. i guess that's all that mattered after it all. Now tonight, he's here ...

Joy comes in the morning ... but for me it came Last Night