Take Back The Night

Last night was a just another step to this everlasting staircase of 'letting go'. It took alot of courage for me to speak. I remember it like yesterday, the day i told my family about my abusive relationship, and how I, had experienced domestic violence. a girl who always hit her boyfriends, the girl who wore the pants in her relationship, the meanest sister an only boy could have; the strength of my family. I felt stupid, i felt weak, but most of all i felt ashamed. ashamed for allowing everything that i was taught, everything lesson i had learned from watching loved ones and friends experience, happen to me. Too nice, too in love , thinking that it couldn't be happening to me, that he was only getting back to me for the pain i caused him and in every aspect i deserved it. i had to endure the consequence of my action... i went through depression, anxiety, withdrawal, periods of anorexia. but then my best friend, my lover, my everything made me realize that i did nothing wrong, and i was better than what i perceived myself to be. Giving me the best comfort, advice, pushing me to do more, better in my school work as well as with my other relationships as far as family and friends. But before that ,for months i cried in my sleep, fought in my sleep ... and he held me, soothed me til i was still. And yet none of that had mattered because i was still mad, angry, frustrated, ... torn. I took all my anger that should have been used on my ex on him, until one night he held me through clinched fists by my arm, against the door and pleadingly said "Yo... G, i love.. i love you alot and i want this to work as bad as you do. But you gotta stop hitting me. I will never hurt you, i will never put my hands on you. I know how much that nigga hurt you and i would never do you like that. you gotta trust me yo, that's the only way... ima show you til you believe me" ... it was at that point where i began to see everything so clear. Weeks later i was given the opportunity to recite the poem i made as a result of the experience and it lifted me ... but there was still more in me, i had just managed to control the emotions and the thoughts, the dreams... or so i thought. Another program came except this time , idk why , but for some reason i felt the need to speak... and so i did, i told my story, the real story ... a story i haven't even told my best friend, in front of people i barely knew.

Last night it seemed to be different. Take Back The Night, was my night. my night to not allow the pain and resentment that I've dealt myself for all these years continue to tear me inside. every chant i yelled was a silent cry , a plea for him to hear me. of course he was nowhere near where i was but that didn't matter. for once i wasn't alone, i was around people who had endured the same pain if not more than i had. i know there were more women out there than the ones who got on stage, but i pray that they gain the strength to rise soon. i wasn't gonna rise, i felt i had let everything go as i yelled to the top of my lungs, as i sang my heart out to the words of those chants.. little did i know, i hadn't. she got on stage and she told her story, she described the pain of having a secret noone knew, and how much it hurt to keep it in but that night, last night would be her last day. i tried to hold it in like i do almost every emotion, but i just couldn't ... i felt her pain more than she did. i wanted to hold her, tell her i know, I've been there, its over now ... but i couldn't. its not over , its never over. once your marked, your marked for life.. its just a matter of letting the wound heal. after uncontrollable trembling i rose to take a stand and tell more of my story. Domestic Violence was just a chapter, Rape was another ... and now it was time to reveal that chapter.. take a stand against it and attempt to heal what i tried as hard as my might to ignore. my friend, my supporter, who held me through it all, stood with me through it all, talked with me through it all, sang with me through it all, marched with me through it all .... pleaded with me to go an let it go. i wanted to protest against her but i saw a look in her eyes that i had never seen before, almost as if me going up there wasn't just for me , but for her as well. she had a story to tell but just couldn't gain as much strength as me, and because i had overcome this before, she tempted me to do it again ... maybe in hopes that next time it'd be her. so i went. i got up there and read chapter one "Let Go" .. through tears and short breaths .. then i read chapter 2 "What if I Told You" .. she said you took a big step, you should feel good. but i didn't , not as much as i should have. i didn't feel that big weight lifted off just a mere pound or so ... i still trembled in my chair as the other girls got on stage and told there stories, i continued to cry and even after it all i cried some more. i believe now, that the reason was more so because i should have told everything but didn't, i did what i always do ... speak in codes; i wrote a poem. i used big words to hide the little ones with such detail and meaning ... i cheated myself .. i cheated them. but they still loved me, they told me thank you , and i applaud you .... i love you.

That night, last night .. he was supposed to be there for me, he was supposed to hold my hand ... he wasn't, he didn't ; but he called. i guess that's all that mattered after it all. Now tonight, he's here ...

Joy comes in the morning ... but for me it came Last Night

Aftermath

Continuous Years For A Broken Heart
Leaving Fainted Memories, No Room For A Fresh Start
What Once Was A Masterpiece
Is Now An Unwanted Piece Of Art
No Longer Seen In Shopping Carts.

Chipped Paint And A Rugged Frame
Ink So Thin Disappearing Is The Name
All Washed With Tears,
No Wall Of Fame

Emptiness Fills The Brain As Footsteps Take A Journey In The Rain
For Depression Fears The Train
Leaving Drops Of Blood In Vain

After reading a poem off of a post from Gentlewoman it hit me how much truth there is to ones self. And no matter how much we say we've acknowledged it we have yet to acknowledge it all. This is an excerpt from the poem V.O.L.E:

The weaker,
subliminally tortured into insecurity,
acting jealously...out of instability.
He didn't answer his phone,
is really just alone?
I've concocted a thousand senarios
of what he's doing at his home.

I said to myself, confused as fuck ... "G, thats you. Thats you in every essence of the words." And it's funny how i can be the stankest, most outspoken, dont-give-a-fuck bitch in the world and still be the most emotional bitch ever.
My middle name is Depression.
At a young age i put myself in fucked up situations cause my family was too over protective to allow me to learn them for myself. But now as an adult, a young woman ... i can't seem to find a way to stray away from these fucked up situations. I've always been told to keep positive thoughts and positive results will come, but then your told to always think about worst case scenarios so if and when they occur you'll be prepared.... now what kind of backwards, twisted shit is that?! ... i find myself basically thinking positive then thinking negative ... and usually negative happens. Maybe not at the time when i thought it out but it happens.

Anyway.... just thought i get some thoughts off my mind.

Rude

Sooooo this past week i've been told that im 'rude' and i just laugh at the statement almost every time. It just amazes me how many different people think/feel the same way. Because i dont acknowledge your presence when your in the same room as me? i dont even know you my dear, never met you ... i don't kiss ass, and i wont start now. Because i'm not as fake as the hair on your head; smile in your face and act like im happy to see you when i'm really not and just wanna fix you. Because i refuse to be disrespected. Because i'll tell you the truth quicker than i would a lie? didnt wanna know the answer shouldn't have asked the question *kanye shrug* ... funny you deem me as a bitch, stank, rude .... yet you bother to not ask why, think as to why ...smh .. oh how you seem to amaze me. Keep it up though, i actually like it.

Happiness is like a butterfly.

The more you chase it, the more it will elude you.

But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.

Infection of Sin

Faithfullness becomes a disease

And your partners pain you could never bring to ease

Thoughts of your actions tend to linger in their dreams

And the love that was once joy becomes nothing but memories

Disposing as each day passes

Following the tears of expectations, illusions of dissatisfaction

Recognition as to why you committed yourself to such actions

Their reality seems to be helpless, in which they cant escape to dream

Finding their self stuck within depressions seam

Mis-used, abused... wanting,needing and explanation

In return all you have to give is 'sorry'

For your love, trust, and self is no longer available

All that can be given is time, in hope to that it leads to growth

Eliminating your partners heavy load.

"You can't replace the past, so do today what you have for a better tomorrow"

The quote in which i was told.

When i was diagnosed with the "Faithfullness" disease

Suffocated in thoughts of him, no air to breathe

Temptation had been taking me...away from the bitter sweet misery

For my man had not been there for me in my time of need

So a substitute was given to me, an so eagerly I accepted

Not realizing the start of a life living in regret

Taking a turning point into confession

Allowing me to escape the harsh realities

Submission to his oppression

Determination to not re-create a mistake

I stayed knowing where I was is where I wanted to be

Falling back into the arms of my man, gracefully

Love takes over

to whom he abuses...
but love takes over the mind and he is who she chooses
left now less of self & mind of doubt
for self-esteem believes life cant go on without...
Him
so our life we'll take out on a limb
in hopes that it'd be enough
we'd still be one even when times get rough
true facts are only jealousies from the ex
the past love...
she never seemed to give up
so instead of him and her
there lies him, her, and she
but again love takes over the mind
and in him is where we trust
promises, swears, "i love you" 's thrown in a box marked "faith"
so anytime we seek doubt
we'll pull it out and lessen the weight
for in the toughest of times it becomes are keepsake
the only source that could choose our fate

self-control

so accustomed to 'getting over it' .. til the fact of 'hiding it' came to show.
they say the four ingredients to self-control are humor, prayer, work, and friends. humor; forces you to smile when all you wanna do is frown, laugh when all you wanna do is cry. Prayer; works when it wants to. Because all that is prayed for rarely comes. Work; is a factor of the stress, an external source to the problem. Friends; well, they are some sort of reliever. but when the dial tone hits and the phone is off .. its back to the same place. the same fcators that are to help control self are the same factors that pus you to lose control. something sort of like love; cant live with it, cant live without.

one doesn't have a song because it is too hard to sing when inside your moaning.

...see there are the things i want to say in order to relieve this stress
there are the things i wont say to make you happy
there are the things i will say because that's just how i feel
and there are the things i do say and make you mad
there are the tears i cry; for you; because of you
there are the smiles i form as a shield to hide the pain
but now, there is the sudden emotion of lost hope that's just cant seem to hide anymore.
there is the constant doubt that clouds the mind
and there is the constant hope that clouds the heart
even after the war , I'm still fighting.
then you were my enemy... now, i am my own enemy.

10-19-09

ugh, why is it i can be of so much help to others and yet can't seem to help myself?


I just don't understand that logic.


*tears begin to roll down her cheeks*


MEN, i will never understand and at this point in time i simply give up in trying. I hear so many times, too many times how much of a nice girl i am, and how smart i am, how much of a thinker i am, how far i can go with my voice .. and yet i always find myself alone after it all. Escaped an abusive relationship to be in the perfect fairytale filled with love, acceptance, appreciation, dedication , but most of all support and guidance. But even for the new found love, my all wasn't good enough, something just wasn't right. I will admit that i am a BIG deal, and come with many flaws and baggage.. but that is one thing i do not keep as a secret. Before beginning the relationship, we had much experience as friends, best friends for that matter expressing everything from family to school to relationships [at the time we were in]. As much as i would want to down talk the whole experience, i cant. We had so many good times, so much in so little time and it was all WORTH IT. But it ended too early for me, on too short notice.. one day. Knowing this day would come some day, we had a plan to still be friends and not let the past separate the bond between us. But it seemed he just couldn't handle the pressure of feelings because he became distant.. the one whose idea it was and yet I'm wrong for not accepting an apology for breaking the one promise we said we'd never break in the form of a text message. It brings tears to my eyes the fact that I'm only worth a text. Not a phone call, not a in-person conversation, but a text. And i begin to wonder if his words ever really meant anything. If they were just words rolling off a tongue to save a tear from rolling off my face.

Help.

often times i find myself giving others advice. Not intentionally but it seems to end that way. Today at work i talked with a colleague about relationships and the feelings we encounter as girls, as woman. She explained a situation where her boyfriend, didn't seem like a boyfriend to her she saw him as a best friend, but him on the other hand wanted a relationship between them. Eventually it didn't last and they parted ways, on her account , not his. Now after 4 years she seems to have some kind of feelings as to whether or not there could have been one. Now i could be wrong but my words to her after hearing this was simply... baby girl, don't feel as if there should have been a "could-have-been" yall had a relationship and you felt like it wasn't what you wanted. you were right to feel this way and he was right in his own to feel the way he felt. But at the same time you can't force yourself, or rather its not healthy to see his wants as your needs. You didn't want to ruin a good friendship with a relationship that probably wouldn't have, and quite frankly didn't.... (PAUSE) sorry ladies and gents. just received a disturbing text that i need to address so I'll leave this as is for now. Do feel to comment.

Toodles,
Sweet Serenity

Miserable?

why is that women feel the need, have the urge to make someones else's business their life? they have to talk about someone else like a dog in order to entertainment themselves. I hate it. it annoys the fuck outta me. And its crazy because i hate it so much but yet i have one of these women in my circle. And up until now i haven't even taken much notice. Last week sometime she called me and we were talkin on the phone, and it got quiet because i for one was busy, and her... well who knows. Then she, in an attempt to break the silence asks me "so gigi girl... tell me something" and i reply "tell you what?" ... "whats going on on the Oswego campus girl ... tell me somebody's business girl" and THATS when it hit me ... and before i responded i just took a look in space and quietly in my mind said "WTF, are you serious" then calmly but very, annoyed .. i said "idk girl, i don't pay nobody on this campus no mind... why do i need to know their business". Now i wold continue to write the rest of the convo but i mean at this point is there anything else needed? .. NO , hell that was enough for me .. besides i have class. But we will touch up on this later ... in the mean time do share your thoughts or similar stories ... class is calling me ...

Toodles,
Sweet Serenity

Externals vs Internals ..

YOU ... were supposed to love me
give me the things that i needed most and spend the time i deserved
lend your shoulder, open your eyes, close your mouth, but most of all give your heart
WE ... messed up in trying to forget, trying to force ourselves to be believe that the past couldn't haunt us
emotions, memories and feelings were too strong to overcome a love that wasn't planned
time began to take its toll and we were one, evolving in and out of happiness
I ... too intertwined in lust rushed into a furry of unwanted happy ever after
finding myself fighting battle after battle and finally i was faced with war
pleading for a sense of security when my opponent was he
THEY ... wanted nothing more than to reside in the spots we so dearly held
in an attempt to fill them pain was dealt
harsh words spoken, mixture of lies and broken promises

... WE could have overcome it and stepped beyond THEY , but YOU already broken had no more left in to fight; for I became your last victim.

What if i told you..

What if I told you I loved you, would you believe me?

What if I told you that every time a man’s inside, feels like my virginity’s being taken from me As you enter your manhood, my childhood is being raped innocently

Flashbacks to days when that little girl was forced on her knees

Every stroke bleeds a memory

What if I told you I fend for a mans affection cause daddy was never there And that meant he didn’t care

So for every man that was here I became a little girl Blinded by his sweet words

What if I told you I never let go of the past because i’m afraid of what the future might bring

I hold onto every memory, so I can remember, feel like it was worth it even if it wasn’t

Every ex becomes a friend, never let go easily For you never know which ones the good and which are the bad

What if I told you that I love for a man to be aggressive because I love pain

Feel I deserve every once for allowing such memories to reside in my brain

What if I told you that because of that one nightmare I take it out on every man who’s love lives here

Pain and resentment seeps through my pores

Empty soul of an unwanted man is what I search for

So I can do to him what they did to me

So again….

What if I told you I loved you, would you believe me?

Save me a fist full of tears..

As I sit here in this room I imagine that I could just talk to you and that you’d really listen. There are so many things I want to tell you but I know or rather I believe, strongly, that you’d care any less than I already think you would. I know that we’ve had some very challenging times in our relationship but I can’t even remember, neither can I recall one that was so bad to want you to dislike me. Not even half a year ago we were each other; we were one, we were inseparable and our feelings were deep, passionate, sincere. Now after two months, we’re nothing more than associates who just so happen to go to the same school and have the same best friend. Saying these words hurt, but it’s the truth and I’ve been hiding it from myself too long to not admit it. I sat at the table in the dining hall tonight at dinner and out of nowhere an image of me and you hugging each other, and you kissing me on my forehead and then my lips formed. I wanted to cry with every ounce of water that my eyes could fill, but for some reason none would come out… I wondered if it was because I had no more tears to cry or just because the atmosphere in which I was. For whatever reason, I have thoughts like these very often, much more when im outside… walking to and from my destinations. Thinking back to freshman year when we would take those walks or have those talks outside, or the TV lounge downstairs, the laundry room. Almost, if not every place on this campus reminds me of you. As much as I want to move on quicker and just come to terms that we’re done, never to be again, it’s not as easy said than done. I don’t hate you, and I know you probably feel that way because of my actions, but I don’t… I just love you too much and because you’re not acting the way I want you, the way I’m used to, I dislike you at times. We had so many promises, so many plans, so many goals… and now they’re just history, they mean nothing. I made a promise to never date another guy on this campus because you said that you wouldn’t be able to handle it because you weren’t ever going to be over me… I don’t believe that now, I think it’s more me than you. I’m not over you and don’t think I will be anytime soon, so I won’t date another guy. That as well as the fact that I’m just not interested in any right now. Need to be able to be single and enjoy it, stop putting my all in people to get the worst end of the deal. Don’t know what else to say, I could go on for days but I’d be doing nothing but repeating myself. No, I’m not writing this to you to make you want me; I’m just getting much needed things off my chest. I started to write a poem but it was too much to write, I wrote the most one line and my hands froze. You used to be my reason for a lot of things, my escape …now, it’s just me…